with a mind to heal and a heart trying to remember how to pump after detaching away from familiarity. Welcoming my new reality as I go through R E C O V E R Y.
You might’ve noticed a bit of a change on my blog. Yes! I am currently going through a format change! Otherwise, I’m glad you’re back and connecting with me on my personal thoughts.
How’s recovery looking, you may ask. To tell you the truth, my ego’s been bruised. Badly. I’ve contemplated this post for weeks and couldn’t come close to finishing it. My thoughts have been roaming around through multiple channels in different directions. I have not been myself lately… I have these expectations where I’m supposed to be a better version of who I used to be and yet I can’t even look in the mirror and recognize who I’ve become.
Photography by: Craig
In the end, there’s no real solution or a magic wand to remove all the pain and unfortunate events in your life away. I stand here, debating whether I should continue sipping on this drink, filled with about 5 different alcohol or if I should put it down and walk away. Decisions. (I know you’re no good for me, but I still want you anyway.)
My first post in June. I wanted to be productive but who was I kidding! After the breakup in January, a lot has happened. I was very calm and kept to myself in the two months after then the next two, I spent my company around bad habits. I was trying to bury them in wild nights out and days escaping nightfall. No one said it was going to be easy and whoever thought that I moved on with someone new… wrong. I haven’t.
We sit here wondering what’s for us and forcing things to be with us alongside our journey but to the stars, moon and universe we are strung in this orchestra playing the same song they’ve arranged for us. So no matter how many heartbreaks and deaths we’ve lived, it was all meant for something. Don’t you agree? We give our lives a purpose. A meaning. An understanding.
Let’s clear the air then. Let’s hit refresh. Let’s find the meaning to life, reason and our existence. Let’s find Maichi.
I finished my spring semester gracefully and reconnected friendships (as per usual). You lose some and you gain some. Balance. I then went through with another “breakup” with one of my best friends and it felt like another heartbreak all over again, but it was different this time around. I sat there laughing and thinking about how ridiculous of a situation it had become. I had no energy to give to anyone anymore so I turned back inside and said I was going to give 100% to only myself and no one else. Self love.
Acceptance. It’s a hard pill to swallow and yes, I’m still hung up on him (some days but rarely now if I’m being honest). I like to call it a relapse where I have my off days and good days. Those bad days take me into another realm and I cry in the morning regretting my decisions. Now, if that’s not going to be a wake up call for me, then I don’t know what is…
The time to change is now. Progress is what I need.
So… this is me.
5 months in and still having troubles finding myself. I’ve been clouded and am now taking a step back to re-energize.
I like to believe that we all are travelers. Each part and section of our lives are cut into fours. 1) Our childhood. 2) Our stage going into adulthood. 3) Our marriage years with children. 4) Then our grandma, grandpa years.
We travel into this world with nothing on our backs but the family we grew up in. As we continue to pace and push ourselves to the new day, we’re brought to be placed in and with those who will teach us a little bit about ourselves and of course, something about them. We never really leave empty handed if you think about it. I never say never but here I am using it. Think of it this way, they’re bearing you with a gift. The gift of themselves. Inspiring you, moving you and pushing you to your limits either good or bad they are what provides you with knowledge so that you can be better and bigger for what’s next to come. While you stay bitter and let the world ruin you, you start to deteriorate all the magic and light you found. Don’t lose it. Remember how it felt when you touched it? That spark? That lightness? That high? Keep it with and in you.
I was soaring. I was always reaching for new heights. I tweeted something along the lines of people not being comfortable with growth and they naturally want to stay the same, but me, I’m not that person. I’m not that kind of soul. My potential is the only thing that I have left to keep striving for.
After coming from missing someone who doesn’t miss me, I stopped and faced the music. I looked in the mirror and said, “it’s over.” When you say it out loud and the words come slurring from your mouth from crying that’s when it hits you. You’re trying to accept it, inhale the truth and then you sit there, lying on the ground, sobbing, you realize, now it’s just you, alone… without your “other half.” Without the other person you thought you were gonna grow old with.
I’ve spent so much of my time investing in others and not myself. I was busy trying to keep busy and distract from what was calling. I wanted to live in this dream forever. Cloud nine. The perfect family. The perfect boyfriend. The perfect job. I was making money. And lots of it. I was having time for little getaway trips with the love of my life. Adventuring out. Seeing nature. Sunbathing. With little to no movement, I told him, I didn’t want stagnancy. I wanted more. I always have since I was in younger. I had big dreams. Big things. I felt like I was made for so much and I wasn’t afraid to look back when the time was near. I was ready to drop everything I had here and leave. To find myself. To find my “calling.” To find purpose. I found it. All within that year. So I settled, for a bit.
I like to fill my soul with trips. Love. But little did I know, being blindsided, I lost it. I lost all of it. I never built myself around comfort and I felt it. It was nice to come home to my person. Eat dinner. Watch a show together, shower then sleep. Repeat. Did I really want this? We both wanted more, I know that. But we both just didn’t want the same things, I guess.
Majority of my nights are spent in the bathtub, detoxing my stress and anxiety I have from time to time. Less reading nowadays but definitely more carefree attention to nature. I sit watching the clouds move above me and sometimes lay up in the sun so I can feel alive again. The zombie feeling that I’m in is very familiar. So familiar that it’s almost comforting. I walk around trying to feel something but I don’t feel anything. Most days, that is. Numb.
I wanted you to take us to a higher cloud. Higher than 9. Even though it hurt, I’d do it all again. I wouldn’t imagine myself doing this with anyone else and even though I was high, on top of the world, I knew I had to come down. It had to end. Reality was back. Reality was calling my name. It was summoning me.
People say that I’ve moved on quickly and didn’t let this effect me at all but it has. Trust me. All my friends that I’ve gone out with has seen me drunk talk about him. Drunk or not, I’m still missing him and they know it. BUT happiness looks better on me.
Photography by: Maimee Vang
I choose to walk away from this gracefully. With my head high, chin up, eyes tear free, and a smile plastered on my face. I choose me. Even though they didn’t turn out how I would’ve wanted it to be, I still am glad it happened the way it did. There’s still so much to say and I could talk about it all day long, but I know I have to move on… I have to let go. My entirety right now is focused on moving forward and being happy with who I am. Regaining trust in people. Faith in myself, love and life. Remembering how there’s still a world of opportunity if I reach it and being able to have confidence to grab it with both of my hands. Possibilities are endless.
Thank you for staying with me for this long. Thank you for reading till the end. I am taking a mental break on my social media (instagram/twitter). I may be updating on my blog. So please feel free to check in. Otherwise, welcome to my new journey. Me. Maichi. Without Chris. I’ll have days where I’ll reminisce so excuse me.
Taking care of myself.